Looking Back.... Looking Ahead

2014 is almost gone... in fact it is already gone for most of you, I however still have 1 hour and 12 minutes left until 2015 sweeps in and makes me curse writing the date. Of course by the time you read this it will be 2015 here. 

What can I say about 2014? It was a year that kicked my butt. The first half of the year was great. I was on fire with blogging, writing, teaching, everything. I actually published my first book! (Can I just take a second to let that sink in? I still can't believe I... I published a book. Like a real book. I can see it sitting on my shelf and everything.) Okay, moment is over. 

The minute I hit publish on that book everything changed. Naturally I began to doubt my decision to publish my book. But the book was out there so it was too late. Now all I could do was dwell on the fact that it was out there. Then the what if's sort of froze me. My doubts froze me. I no longer felt like I had what it took to write a second book. Oh sure, I had the second book mostly outlined, a plan for a prequel and even plans for book 3. How could I think of not continuing? That's exactly what I'm thinking now, how could I, but I did. 

Life happened. Things at work got crazy, I got promoted and took on way more responsibility than I ever had before. I took my classroom and students to heights I didn't think possible. But everything else fell short. I stopped blogging. I stopped reading. I stopped doing everything that mattered to me. I just was. I was in a funk, depressed, I don't know. I was a shadow of the person I wanted to be, but I couldn't seem to find a way to change it. In fact a part of me didn't even care. I didn't want to change it. What was wrong with not being so busy all the time. Life was busy enough without all the extras I put into it. 

But then I began to see glimmer's of myself. I began to see my old self floating to the surface again. She surfaced a few times over the past 6 months, but I was fast to shove her back under. I never let her surface for too long. Looking back now I think I was afraid. Afraid to fail? To succeed? I don't know. But again my fear froze me. Slowly but surely she fought herself to the surface more and more. Each time bringing more than glimmers. I began to see that I still wanted to do all the things I was doing before. I still desired, yearned, to be a writer and blogger and that wasn't a bad thing. 

I finally picked up a book and enjoyed it. I began thinking of my characters again, of Jo and Jasper. Of the story that lie in waiting for over 6 months now. Stories untold began to float through my mind and a fire was stoked. I picked up things for my blog, cover reveals, blasts, blitz's, small things. Nothing that really required me to think, but it was enough to make me miss it. 

And now I'm back. Or at least I think I am. Well I want to be. 2014 wasn't everything I wanted it to be. It was a good year overall, but it wasn't everything I wanted it to be and like most of you I have spent the last couple of days reflecting on exactly what I need to do to make 2015 better. To make myself happier. 

And I have come to one conclusion.... I need to just be me. I need to accept the fact that I cannot be the perfect blogger, posting everyday, I can't be the best teacher there ever was, I can't be the perfect author, and heaven knows I can't be a perfect mother or wife. But I do know that I can better.

I can be a better blogger today than I was yesterday. A better writer. Teacher. And yes a better wife and mother. Because that's all I really want. I don't want to be perfect. I just want to be better. I don't know how I will measure it, but hopefully I will feel it in the happiness of myself and those around me. 

One thing is for certain... I am going to rock the hell out of 2015!!! Who's with me???